When the history of The Voice Kids Australia 2014 is written (perhaps in a kind of bible, or The Voice Kids Australia 2014 For Dummies), whoever writes the hallowed tome will note tonight’s episode, the third episode, as the episode where a line was crossed. It’s an ancient line that we’ve all had to contend with at some point in our lives, and it’s the dividing line that means the difference between a kids version of an adult reality singing program and a freak show of child pageantry. For the fact that it’s been irrevocably crossed, I couldn’t be happier. In short, this is where The Voice Kids got weird.

Two acts tonight were instrumental in the line-crossing, and first and most notable was Sebastian. A small Andy Serkis who baited the audience early by telling Unnamed Stagehand “I’ve got a special surprise if the coaches turn for me”. All through his cover of Bruno Mars’ When I Was Your Man the audience was poised and tense, on the edge of their seats to see how this gollum-eyed youth would make good on his threat. He didn’t disappoint. It was weird. In the same breath as he finished his song he screamed “This Is The Voice! Kids! Splits!!” and did the splits. Nobody knew what to do. Delta loved it. She sensed a kindred spirit (someone else with a bad case of Weird Brain) and rushed up on stage to do the splits with him. Nobody knew what to do. She got nothing at all for her trouble, he picked JoelBenji Madden and will no doubt have a strange dream tonight about a barren earth courtesy of her ever more powerful psionic waves.

Secondly in tonight’s parade of Odd Kids was the second duo of the competition, Anthony and Tamara. They had matching outfits, leathers and pink ribbons. They sang We Go Together from Grease and they had a whole dance routine figured out. It was terrifying, made only moreso by their mother side of stage tearing her throat apart to scream “C’MON” at Voice Stadium in general. Delta loved it, obviously. She was sold from the first note when she whispered “I love this song”, in the same way she does when any song at all starts playing. Delta wanted to see their dance moves again and made Joel get up with her to dance with them. They sang the whole song again and did their routine while Joel and Delta tried their best to copy their moves. Mel B and Benji, left behind in their oversize chairs both had major disassociative episodes and dreamed of a universe where anything except this was happening, and then of one where they were 40 feet tall and nobody could ever tell them they had to do anything.

The second major theme in tonight’s Voice Kids was rockers. Being a rocker, rocking out and being awesome were critical (a sort of three commandments if we’ve learned anything from Jack Black) and while Sophie flexed that her dad used to be the guitarist in Shania Twain’s band so she’s “grown up with the rock n roll lifestyle”, for her trouble she received no turns and would no doubt be sentenced to rewatch all of dad’s old tour footage again until she’d learned her lesson.

The night’s second Rocker was like a youtube comment come to life. His name is Angus and his dad is a roadie. He named him Angus after Angus Young, and Angus in turn named his pet axelotl Axl, after that guy from Guns N Roses who has a cool trick where if you google his name and “is” it’ll autocomplete to “Axl Rose is a mess” and “Axl Rose is dead”. Angus let us know early on that he “hates dubstep and loves classic rock”, even though he’s only 10. Asked by Unnamed Stagehand whether he was nervous he said “the butterflies have been slain by the awesome axe of rock n roll”. A clue as to what made him this way was revealed next, when his ponytailed dad directly quoted Dio in the Tenacious D movie and told him “go my son and rock”. Jack Black is this the future you dreamed of? He sang a Jet song (the only Jet song?) while he kicked and punched the air almost constantly in a powerful display of his purported awesomeness. Delta once again sensitive to the plight of those who are deeply troubled picked him for her team.

Other highlights included Jamie, a Bullied Boy whose whole family started learning tae kwon do in order to help him and whose mother told Australia “a family who kicks together sticks together” which I guess makes sense if you’re all kicking away, back to back at the rest of the world, but then how do you get food if all you do is drive others away? I can’t agree with your violent mantra Jamie’s Mum. This episode also marked the first ever tears in Voice Stadium. Romy, who sang Turning Tables and received no turns immediately started crying and Voice Stadium itself became stronger and stronger with each droplet that hit it’s hallowed floor. Mel B, sensitive to these sorts of things, quickly comforted her for fear of being locked in this prison of iron and rotating chairs forever.

There was an ad during one of the breaks that urged me to check out the exclusive content available online, including the three coaches competing in an egg and spoon race. I’m worried that they’re being forced to live there and engage in all manner of strange games for food rewards from their invisible handlers, but I’m also very interested in seeing Mel B and Joel wrestle over a hard boiled egg. Who is the target audience of this show? We may never know. This is The Voice! Kids! Splits!

(Reblogged from marxisforbros)

(Source: anthonymackies)

(Reblogged from translatesarcastic)

Sometimes I specifically formulate emails so I don’t have to move my hands to reach for punctuation keys.

I swear the number of times Poirot solves a murder and then gets rid of the problem by encouraging the murderer to commit suicide. 


head of a woman with the horns of a ram (gérôme), mexican model andrea carrazco

(Reblogged from pomegranate-poet)

Watching my phone ring is one of the most complex emotional journeys.

My neighbour has a floodlight in his backyard that he will occasionally turn on late at night for no reason at all. It basically illuminates nothing but the piles of poop his dead dog left behind, and my bedroom. Last night he turned it on at about midnight and it was still on when I rolled over at two am. 

Unfortunately, I’d forgotten that I keep a Venetian mask on my windowsill, and the spotlight was shining straight through it to cast a shadow on the wall. All I knew was that at two o’clock this morning I was suddenly confronted with the glowing red eyes of a giant demonic Oddish and there was nowhere for me to run. 

(Reblogged from murbeft)

Okay, if you’ll excuse me I’ll just go ahead and not celebrate that loneliest of achievements.