DEAR WAITRESS IN THIS COFFEE SHOP,
I’M PRETTY SURE YOU ARE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO PRETEND TO LIKE ME. I’M PRETTY SURE WHEN I SAT DOWN IN THIS STORE, WE ENTERED INTO A SACRED COVENANT WITH ONE ANOTHER, IN WHICH YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE ME, AND I HAVE TO WALK THE FINE LINE BETWEEN “FRIENDLY CUSTOMER” AND “SLEAZY OLD MAN” - A DELICATE BALANCE THAT I AM YET TO MASTER.
IF I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT PEOPLE REALLY THOUGHT OF ME, I WOULD BE OUT IN THE REAL WORLD, MAKING FRIENDS, NOT SITTING IN THE DARKEST CORNER OF A COFFEE STORE, BLOGGING.
ALL I WANT IS THE CHANCE TO DELUDE MYSELF THAT EVERYONE I HAVE EVER PAID FOR GOODS AND SERVICES SMILES AT ME BECAUSE I MANAGE TO INJECT A UNIQUE SENSE OF CHARM INTO THE PHRASE, “CAN I GET A SKIM FLAT WHITE, PLEASE?” AND NOT BECAUSE PART OF MY THREE DOLLARS FIFTY GOES TOWARDS A FRIENDLINESS SURCHARGE.
LET ME HAVE THAT DREAM.
