mysticaltramping asked: no no no, back up, you're going to need to explain what part of snakes on a plane is 'conceptually interesting'
OKAY, I THINK WE’VE LEARNED FROM MY 2012 RANT THAT IT’S PROBABLY BETTER THAT I DON’T EXPLAIN MY FEELINGS ON THE FRIDGE BRILLIANCE OF THE CONCEPTS BEHIND HIGH-GROSSING OVERTLY TACKY FILMS, SO INSTEAD I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS:
If you’ve made a terrible film with low production values and terrible weird sexualised use of snakes, then, as a general rule, no matter how much I pretend to distance myself, let’s be honest, I am onboard. Snakes are my third or fourth favourite cold-blooded menace for monster movies, after sharks and crocodiles, in ascending order, and I am a sucker for the IMPROBABLE THINGS KILL PEOPLE IN UNUSUAL WAYS plot.
HOWEVER. If you have made this movie, and it has made it all the way to DVD, an achievement for which I will respect you for the rest of your natural life, THERE IS ONE VERY IMPORTANT RULE YOU NEED TO BEAR IN MIND: DO NOT INCLUDE A BONUS MENU THAT FEATURES A HD COPY OF THE VIDEO FOR THE THEME SONG OF YOUR FILM. BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL WATCH IT. AND IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL, THEY’LL EVENTUALLY PICK UP ON THE FACT THAT THAT ONE VIDEO CLIP IS BETTER FINISHED THAN YOUR ENTIRE HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER. AND IT FEATURES SAMUEL L JACKSON.
AND BASICALLY THIS IS WHY I CANNOT SPEAK ABOUT SNAKES ON A PLANE. BECAUSE MY RAGE OUTWEIGHS MY INTEREST IN DISCUSSING THE IDEAS BEHIND IT THAT I THINK MIGHT HAVE MADE IT A GENUINELY ENGAGING FILM. I LOOK AT IT LIKE IT’S MY TEENAGE SON. IT COULD HAVE WORKED HARD AND LEARNED THE GUITAR, BECAUSE I KNOW IT HAD THE POTENTIAL, BUT INSTEAD IT DECIDED TO GO UP ONSTAGE AND PLAY IRONICALLY BADLY, BECAUSE IT KNEW ITS FRIENDS WOULD THINK THAT WAS COOLER THAN ACTUALLY TRYING TO DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. SURE, IT’LL BE NOTORIOUS, BUT IT’LL NEVER ACHIEVE WHAT IT COULD HAVE DONE, AND I FIND THAT INFURIATING
